?> See Hear Speak No Evil

Feb 05 2010

Al goes shopping…

Published by Al under al

…i decided awhile ago to try this internet dating thing. and i feel like it’s totally lame but also kind of good.

it’s lame because, well, really, if i want to meet dudes then i should get up off the couch or chair or whatever and get the hell out into this town. but i won’t. i’m not good like that.

hey, stop judging! at least i’m honest!

it’s good because 1) i’m NEVER around, 2) it gives me the opportunity to sit behind this computer screen and type up all sorts of bizarre and interesting and witty things without actually having to worry that the person doesn’t find me hilarious. (who am i kidding, EVERYONE finds me hilarious!), and 3) i don’t actually have to meet these guys but i’m still putting myself out there a little bit.

and bridge, in all of her infinite wisdom and general curiously, convinced me to join up on one of the dot com dating sites because she wanted to see how it worked. i also think she secretly wants me to get married… (bridgy, i see that you’re turning an interesting shade of blue. maybe you should stop holding your breath for this one, baby!)

so i went ahead and joined one. and it makes me laugh whenever i log on. they send you profiles daily about people they have mathematically, or magically, determined that you should fall madly in love with the SECOND you see their photo. but some of the things they use to tell you how much you and the other person are similar are SOO inane.

for example, i have seen some that say
- you share the same birth month big effing deal. just because I was born in march and am totally awesome doesn’t mean that everyone else who was born in march is the same (except bridgy. she’s TOTALLY TUBULAR and is only 1 year and 4 days older than me)
- you both like dogs the way i see it, you’re a dog person, or a cat person, or an overall animal person. i don’t really think about it either way. unless you hate animals. and then i assume you’re a psycho hose-beast
- you both think smoking is dumb really, ok. but i know a shit ton of people who think that smoking is dumb. that doesn’t make me any more or less attracted to them
- you both think the sky is blue

ok, the last two i made up but when you see things like the first two that are supposed to tell you something about how much you should be interested in someone, it makes you want to laugh out loud and then vomit.

i usually laugh out loud and then promptly ignore the person about whom this website is talking.
and then there’s me just messing with people. or, being totally realistic.

like, when i told that one guy who wanted to buy me beers that i wasn’t willing to meet anyone who has kids (please pick yourself up from off of the floor. i DID say no to free beers. why are you acting like that’s some sort of personal record for me?)

and then that other time when i told a guy who said he was looking for “the ONE” that i wasn’t interested in anything serious and he replied something about casual sex and i asked what his point was. like a girl can’t go out and openly look for some NSA encounter or something. guys do that shit all the freaking time.

anyhoodles- i’m NOT looking for “the ONE” or even “the RIGHT NOW.” in fact, i’m just using this to get out there and meet some new people (and maybe a little NSA now and again. is that so wrong?) and maybe make a new friend or 7.

and you know what i think REALLY helps?
that my profile picture is this one…

One comeback so far

Dec 13 2009

you don’t deserve my friendship

Published by Al under al

m,

i am unable to continue our friendship and would like to explain myself to you. i need you to know the reasons behind my decision. not that i really think you care either way.

first, it doesn’t really bother me that you chose to remain friends with (insert name here). we are all adults and free to make our own decisions about who we chose to associate with and who we don’t. i am only slightly bothered by your decision because i don’t understand how anyone is able to get past the fact that he (insert action). but i may be biased because said action was directed at me.

second, i understand what i assume is your desire to remain neutral. but this situation is not your run-of-the-mill break up.

those things being said, here’s the crux of why i cannot be your friend. i do not trust you. i used to. but i lost that trust in a flash when you forwarded me a text from (insert name here). here’s where i ask you to remember when i specifically told you that i was not in an emotionally secure place that would allow me to see past any information about (insert name here). nor do i have the ability to brush off the things that he says and move forward with my day as if nothing is wrong. i told you that (insert name here) could never know anything about me, where i was, what i was doing, etc. additionally, i told you that i could not hear any news about him. (remember, my emotional state?)

then, you blew me off. we talked about beers and i suggested coffee. and then i heard nothing, NADA, from you. until that forwarded text. it’s easy enough to ascertain that you and he were talking. how else do you explain the “if you DO see a…” in his message? AFTER you blew me off. you see, m, i don’t take well to being blown off. especially by someone who is purported to be my friend. and that you blew me off after swearing to remain neutral and agreeing to my terms. that’s really not friend behavior in my book.

but i get that you thought you were helping. after all, his text WAS nice. he was SOOO apologetic and professing his love. you have absolutely NO idea what sort of affect those things have on me. i get shaky and upset and so irate that i feel like a cartoon character that has steam coming out of her ears.

and so i am writing you off. i can’t have people in my life who are willing to disregard my wishes in this matter. i have been scarred for life and will forever over scrutinize any and every man that wants to be a part of my life. i cry over menial bullshit. i have nightmares about my situation. I GET ANXIOUS WITH THE MERE THOUGHT OF SEEING (insert name here). and i have to deal with all of this for a looooong time. having someone in my life whom i can’t trust to talk to or vent to is not conducive to my healing.

more than i need almost anything right now, i need to surround myself with people who won’t tell me how sorry (insert name here) is or how much he is hurting (i don’t believe him anyway, nor should you). and maybe that’s completely bitchy on my part but fuck it. i don’t care. more importantly, i CAN’T care. you see, i HAVE to be selfish. if i start to think about him and what he may or may not be feeling, it throws off all of the progress i’ve made over the past few months.

i face these feelings on a daily basis. i face the self-doubt, the irritation, the anger. and it drives me absolutely bat-shit crazy that his life continues as if nothing, except a ‘moderate’ break up, ever happened. fuck that and fuck him. and really, fuck YOU for taking his side over mine.

i expected better out of you. i expected you to not rush right to him to tell him everything we’d said. i expected you to respect my wishes, regardless of the reasoning behind them and even more so in THIS circumstance.

take on brief second, m, and contemplate how you’d feel if L had (insert action). really think about this. i’ll wait…
…
…
…
…
…
…

it fucking sucks! and that’s the understatement of the decade!

sure, our [mine and (insert name here)] relationship should have ended long before it did but that certainly didn’t give him the right to (insert action). nor do i give a fuck that he was ‘too drunk’ to remember, or take the blame for, his actions. he made the choice to consume that much booze. even AFTER i asked him to stop drinking. what does that tell you about how much he ‘loved’ me?

what this all boils down to m, is that, while i will say ‘hello’ when i see you, i will not CANNOT be your friend. you and (insert name here) seem to be better matched anyway. neither of you have the ability to respect others or see past whatever is in the pint glass in front of you.

would that it were different. so good luck. i wish you wellness and happiness and health!

~a

4 comebacks so far

Dec 04 2009

Day 2 on Couch to 5K… Anyone else want to join?

Published by Bridge under bridge, health

So I need to get my butt off of this chair and get to the gym to run again. WOW is my knee sore. I’ve been approved by my Doctor to start all activites again slowly, but I just feel that I can’t. I still limp. I noticed when I worked out every single day my knee didn’t bother me as much. Yeah, that means I need to work out every day. I just thought my knee wouldn’t be bothering me anymore by this point.

Now the news… My sister-in-law Jasmine wants to do the 5k thing with me in the Spring as well. That makes Jess, Jasmine and I running a 5k before the end of May. Anyone else want to join us? You can even run your own if you live far away. I have to admit that I really do not want to run the 5k, but I want to be in shape. This will give me a good goal to get in shape. Anyways, just let me know if you want in. You know you want to be part of the IN crowd. HEHE…

4 comebacks so far

Dec 02 2009

Couch to 5K…

Published by Bridge under bridge

Why hello there readers! Remember me? Bridge?

Well I really can’t make any excuses for why I haven’t blogged for awhile. I’ve just had too much to do, and nothing I could write about. Everything I wanted to write about wasn’t mine to talk about. I can’t promise I will keep writing, but I will try.

The reason for this post is that I have started the Couch to 5k program today. I ran 6 minutes out of 30 and it wasn’t too bad. My knee killed, but I knew it would. Knowing as long as I am wearing my brace I am not hurting my knee helps me run through the pain. Even better news? Jess just mentioned she would do a 5k in the spring with me! YEAH!!! She is going to kill me when she reads this, but now that it is posted she will have to.

One comeback so far

Nov 25 2009

open letter #2…

Published by Al under al, health

dear readers thank you for stopping by, i am now using this blog as a healing tool and an outlet for my thoughts.

dear (insert name here),

i don’t know why i opened this, and the last, letter with the word ‘dear’ because i no longer feel that you are dear to me. probably habit and congieniality.

i really want to be finished with the anger and anguish that finds me at the most inopportune and lonely times. but i also know that i need these two very intense feelings to fuel me during this time. because if i were to hold back these feelings, i would begin to lose myself again and some guilt would seep in and i would, on occasion, give in to your ‘i love you’ and ‘i miss you’ sentiments. and i can’t do that. i can’t give in. i know that you are looking for that little opening. that little glimmer of hope that says “even though she told me to fuck off, she still responded to me.” and i believe that you will only redouble your efforts and attempts to sidle your way back into my life.

i will have none of that (insert name here) because you don’t deserve to be a part of my life. you don’t deserve to know one iota about what has happened or will happen. you lost that privilege the SECOND you chose to act out in anger. in fact, (insert name here) you lost that privilege before that second but neither of us realized it and continued to act as if everything were normal.

you know what else i realized (insert name here)? of course not because you think of only yourself. so i’ll tell you. i was ALWAYS better than you. i was always smarter and better loved. and instead of you rising to the occasion, you tried to bring me down to your level. and you know what’s the most fucked up about that? i let you do it. i, for very short bursts of time, believed you when you told me that my friends and co-workers didn’t respect me because i am a pushover. i believed you when you told me that i would never find someone as perfectly matched and awesome as you. i believed you when you told me how stupid i was and how “white trash” my family was even though you’d never met them. I BELIEVED YOU FOR SHORT BURSTS OF TIME.

how is it possible that someone could have that sort of effect on me? i KNOW that none of those things are even remotely true. because you know what (insert name here), you can only be so stupid and still get an MS degree and a fairly lucrative job. you can only be so disrespected when people beg you to work on their projects or tell you that their family thinks your the coolest thing since lemonade. as for white trash… fuck you and your judgmental attitude. you will never know the errors in your thinking because, well, because you don’t care, for one. and for two, because you’re a controlling douchebag who doesn’t have the wherewithall to see the beauty and intelligence of a person when they’re standing in front of you throwing their heart at your hand.

i made a bad decision to continue associating with you. but my decision pales when compared to completely asinine ones you continue to make on a daily basis.

but you know what the silver lining in this cloud is (insert name here), that i ultimately got what i wanted. i walked away, mostly unscathed and mostly unharmed. but i WALKED AWAY. i am able to hold my head high, even around people who know all the gory details. i have retained my dignity and self-worth. and most importantly, i have retained my self.

i am back to being me. it didn’t take long for that to happen and i thank you for that. had our situation ended differently, i would have spent much longer mourning the loss. as it is now, i mourn nothing except my loss of innocence. yet somehow i have managed to retain my faith in the goodness of humanity. and that is something that i cherish deeply and i am joyed to realize that you were unable to take that from me.

there’s something else i retained (insert name here) and that is my ability to forgive. you keep asking for it. rest assured that someday i will be able to forgive you. but i will never forget the pain you’ve caused me. i will never forget the reactions boris and lola had and the way they looked at me and wouldn’t leave my side. i will never forget the looks of shock and sympathy on the faces of my friends and family. but most of all, i will never forget those 25 or 30 minutes of pure horror where every fiber of my being was calling out and begging, BEGGING, for it all to end.

and you (insert name here) have to deal with the knowledge that you did that to me. that i am sitting here crying because of you and your actions. but even with all of that, i don’t hate you. but i certainly don’t like you and while i’m certain to forgive you one day, i will NEVER be your friend.

~a

4 comebacks so far

Nov 23 2009

an open letter…

Published by Al under al

dear (insert name here),

i have had a lot of time to think lately about the day my earth stood still. and now that it has begun turning again at a very slow pace, i want you to realize that my earth would turn at a regular 24-hr a day pace if you would just walk away.

you see, this every week contact is annoying and frustrating and irksome and violates what little bit of inner sanctity i have managed to maintain through the last month. and yet, you refuse to take into account my feelings and need for sanity and assume that because you are being nice and loving and apologetic that i should forgive you immediately. well (insert name here) you are in for a bitter, bitter surprise. although you don’t, and i now assume never have, see me for the person i really am you should have expected what is coming up next for you and i.

when i decide to cut someone out of my life, i don’t do so lightly and have NEVER felt an ounce of guilt about my decision. i certainly won’t feel any now. in fact, i feel a weight has been lifted. i really wanted to cut you out before you scarred me for life but i thought some things might just be worth fighting for. and you know, it almost hurts more that i was so terribly wrong. that i was wrong about you, that i was wrong about me being with you, that i was wrong, period (i am a woman, you know and being wrong really pains us).

i am a stubborn, independent, intelligent woman who doesn’t often back down from a fight. after all, it’s only a couple of tearful nights or nervous days. but what are those things in the overall scheme of a lifetime. nothing. they are nothing when compared to the moment that you realize the consequences of your actions. they are nothing when you realized that the person that could have made your life worth living has walked out the door and you don’t know where she is. they are nothing when, on some future fateful day, you are shown pictures that can break even the toughest person’s heart. and they are definitely nothing when you realize that all of this is because of a choice that you made. a choice, it seems, you have made previously. it was a bad choice then and was certainly a bad choice now. and yet, nothing changed with you after the first time. or even the second time. and you know what (insert name here) that really tells me a lot about the sort of person you are.

it tells me that you only think you love people when in reality you lack the ability to truly love. because truly loving someone means accepting them for who they are, not who you think they should be. and if you continue to live your life in this manner, you will never find happiness. you will go from relationship to relationship to relationship. and you will end up a bitter old person who owns a business and thinks they have formed meaningful friendships with the patrons of the business when in fact, people are there for the product and image that you sell. they would frequent your business regardless of who greeted them at the door.

i apologize for this stream of consciousness letter but there are some things that don’t need serious organization. and there are so, so many other things that i’d like to say to you. but you’ve sucked all of the energy from me for the day. and so i will be done. for now.

~a

2 comebacks so far

Oct 05 2009

the final chapter

Published by jess under jess

this post has been a long time coming. but there’s been no time to write it. it’s not been a priority. if there’s anything i hate, it’s a shitty ending. and let’s be honest, the way i abruptly quit blogging is a pretty shitty ending.

for the past 8 years specifically, i’ve thought of my life as a book. with chapters. maybe even a trilogy. a trilogy soooo shitty (shitty is apparently the word du jour.) that lifetime wouldn’t even make my life into a made for tv movie with a craptastic name starring alyssa milano as yours truly. anyway. somewhere in the midst of all of this i began blogging. i’ve bitched, whined, moaned, told stories, laughed, cried, and more. all on this blog. i’ve met fabulous people (both in person and just in the blogosphere) and i’ve enjoyed catching up with old friends.

but the time has come. the time has come for me to close the chapter on this blog. at least for now. i know i had a very loyal following. and i know i am probably disappointing you. if you are still reading this post, i am DEEPLY honored that you even came back here. i don’t deserve it. this URL got attacked by some malicious malware and just visiting this blog may have caused your computer some stress. i am sorry for that and i’m sorry for leaving. it’s obvious my heart hasn’t been into this for quite some time and it’s causing me guilt. i’d just as soon say goodbye for now and move on…

there are some things i’ll miss about blogging, but i honestly think the list of things i won’t miss is much bigger. i won’t elaborate because they aren’t all nice reasons and so i’ll just keep them to myself. i’ve found that using facebook and twitter are much more real time…much more of a conversation and it’s easier for me to update there than it is to come over here and blog. blogging is hard, yanno? it’s not easy for me to write an entire post here when i can write a single sentence on facebook and get instant responses.

in the past year i’ve quit smoking. i’ve gained 20 pounds. we bought a house. i changed jobs at the same company 3 times. THREE TIMES. we said goodbye to one dog and to one cat. we said hello to a new dog. i canned salsa and peaches all by myself for the first time ever. i coached a girls soccer team to an undefeated season. i read too many books. i made new friends. i said goodbye to friends. i laughed too loudly at inappropriate jokes. i cried over spilled milk. not literally. figuratively. i made a difference to some people. i probably pissed someone off. good. well, not good. but maybe i don’t care. i think that today i’m a better person than i’ve ever been in my life. and that’s a good thing.

my life isn’t perfect, but it’s pretty damn good. i’m exactly where i want to be - for now. who knows if it will be the same thing next year? knowing me, i’ll have climbed onto another branch to see if the view is any better from there.

bridge and al and i will always be friends. they know how much i love them and how much i’ve enjoyed this journey we’ve been on together. so.. friends. i’ll see you on twitter (http://twitter.com/jesscot) or facebook (http://www.facebook.com/jesscottle) or in real life.

xoxo

5 comebacks so far

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