See Hear Speak No Evil

today we were at sam’s club…and i was examining some giant pork tenderloins. they were only $1.97 a pound, and i was trying to decide if i wanted to buy one or not.

jake says, “mom! how do you cook pork lion anyway?” (no, that is NOT a typo.)

me: “pork lion?”

jake: yeah, pork lion. that’s what these are called.

me: no they aren’t. they are PORK LOIN.

jake: oh. well, i like pork lion better. that’s what i call it.

he then proceeded to talk about pork lion for the next ten minutes. how do i cook pork lion??

on new years eve, we were all getting ready to go over to bridge’s house for a night of debauchery food and games. paul had just gotten out of the shower and was singing in the bathroom. he was just being a dork…he knew i could hear him. jenna laughed and said, “mom, you have a good husband.”

jenna told her grandma, her very mormon grandma, on christmas day that “my mom lets me drink coffee ALL THE TIME.”

then jake chimes in, “yeah, she does. we drink it every weekend!!”

that is SOOO not true. thanks, jenna. you have a giant mouth. and jake, you are no help.

jenna: “mom, would you like a mountain dew?”

me: “why yes, yes i would.”

jenna: coming right up.

she brings it in and then stands there and waits for me to open it. when i don’t right away she says, “moooom. i wanted a drink of that!!”

very generous of her, dontcha think??

Today my little boy turns 9 years old.

Um, that is not so little anymore. I feel REALLY OLD suddenly.

Happy Birthday Mason… I love you!

(THIS IS WHEN HE WAS A BABY. HE HAD SURGERY AT 1 MONTH.)

(I CAN’T BELIEVE HE IS 9!!!)

one of my favorite things to do is to review my kids’ graded assignnments. if they don’t come home as homework, i don’t always see what they are doing in class.

this gem was in jenna’s stack of stuff last week:

the kids are asked to write about what they would do if they were trapped at walmart overnight. i’m don’t know if you can read her paper (or her handwriting) very well…so i’m going to type it out - exactly as she wrote it.

What I would probrely since theres fhones I would call for help but if there wasn’t if theres clothes shoes bathrooms and a water fhouten I think I could be fhine four a month but I’m sure my mom would be verry sad cause she would miss me so much. and she would be wourey. But then when it opens then I can just ride thz bus home.

yes, jenna, i would be very worried if you got stuck in walmart over night. i love you, kiddo.

So my husband is the Cub Master for our son’s Cub Scout Troop. This week’s activity will be making cookies. What group of boys wouldn’t want to learn to make cookies when they get to eat them afterwards?

Yeah.

Today my husband asked me for my No Bake Cookie recipe. After looking at my copy of the recipe, I realized NO ONE would be able to create an edible cookie from the chicken scratch I have on the paper. I decided to type it up. Not only did I type it up, but I put in step-by-step instructions for 9 year old boys.

I think I will share the recipe with you…

NO BAKE COOKIES

2 Cups Sugar
¼ Pound Butter
½ Cup Milk
2 ½ Cups Oatmeal
1 Cup Coconut
2/3 Cups Peanut Butter
3 Tablespoons Coca
1 ½ Teaspoon Vanilla

DIRECTIONS:

In a mixing bowl, combine oatmeal and coconut. Stir until completely mixed.

In large saucepan, combine sugar, butter, cocoa and milk. Mix on stove over medium heat until melted and boiling. Boil for 60 seconds while stirring frequently. Remove from heat. Stir in vanilla and peanut butter. When peanut butter is completely melted add in oatmeal and coconut.

Drop by tablespoonfuls onto waxed paper. Let stand until cool and firm. Store tightly covered.

STEP BY STEP INSTRUCTIONS:
Step 1: Measure oatmeal and coconut.
Step 2: Mix oatmeal and coconut in mixing bowl.
Step 3: Measure sugar, butter, cocoa and milk.
Step 4: Mix sugar, butter, cocoa and milk in saucepan.
Step 5: Turn on stove to medium heat and stir ingredients in saucepan until melted and boiling.
Step 6: Continue to stir the boiling ingredients for 60 seconds.
Step 7: Take saucepan off of hot stove burner. Either place on a hot pad or on cold stove burner.
Step 8: Measure vanilla and peanut butter.
Step 9: Add vanilla and peanut butter into the saucepan. Stir until melted.
Step 10: Add oatmeal and coconut into the same saucepan. Mix well.
Step 11: Using tablespoons take spoonful of batter and drop on waxed paper.
Step 12: Leave alone until cool!
Step 13: Share with friends and family.
Step 14: Finally eat one yourself!

Go ahead and make some with your kids. They will love you for it!

last week i was driving my son to a soccer game. my car has leather seats in it, and the night was a typical september evening, so the weather was a bit cool. jenna was sitting in the back seat and she was complaining that she didn’t have a butt warmer the way jake does in the front seats.

jenna: i’m freezing my balls off back here!

me: jenna!

jake: /insane laughter

me: /trying my best NOT to laugh. jake’s giggles are NOT helping.

jenna: well i am! it’s cold! jake has a butt warmer!

jake: jenna, you do NOT have balls.

me: HEY! WE DO NOT SAY THE WORD BALLS! (i’m laughing now, and i’m doing a terrible job holding myself together. it’s getting worse, too…)

jake: yeah, jenna, you should say nuts! balls is…

me: JACOB! quit saying the word “balls!”

jenna: mom, can i say nuts?

me/jake: /laughing.

jake: i say nuts all the time. that’s what they are. but i know why they are called balls. they are tiny little ball things inside that sack.

me: (this conversation is going NOWHERE!!!) I KNOW WHY THEY ARE CALLED BALLS! listen. let’s not say the word balls. it’s just not nice. you can say nuts if you need to, but don’t say it at school or at grandma’s house. or at church.

jake: yeah, jenna, plus you don’t even HAVE balls.

me: STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

jake: it’s so funny, though!

me: yeah, it’s hilarious. now stop. we are done talking about balls.

a couple of weeks ago, my 9-year-old son asked me what 9/11 was…and why people made such a big deal out of it. the question stemmed from something he’d seen on tv about a plane being crashed into the pentagon. so he asked what happened…

i wasn’t really sure where to begin. he was alive then - in fact both of my kids were. but he was only 2. i still remember how i got the news - i’m sure everyone does.

i told him that some people had hijacked four airplanes and crashed one into the pentagon and two into the world trade center. i had to explain what the world trade center was, too, by the way. he asked about the 4th plane and i told him the people on board had been heroes - by saving who knows how many people when they overtook the hijackers and crashed the plane into a field.

he asked what kind of people would do this. and i didn’t know what to say. i didn’t want to bring race into it. i didn’t want to talk about religion or beliefs. i told him they were really bad people who just wanted to hurt americans.

pause: the reason i didn’t want to talk about some of this stuff is because conversations with him are like this:

question 1: mom answers
but questions 2: mom answers.
what if question 3: mom answers.
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? question 4, 5, 6, 7: mom answers.
infinity question: mom answers.

i’m not saying i don’t love the dialogue. the truth is i do. sometimes i just don’t know what to say - the truth is always the answer, but sometimes i don’t even know what THAT is. he asked if the hijackers were stupid…because duh! didn’t they know they would DIE before they hijacked the airplanes? i told him their religion taught that dying for your God is honorable…and they believed that is what they are doing. he got this “THAT’S COMPLETE BAT SHIT!!” look on his face. so i tell him i know…it’s nuts.

it’s frustrating enough to not have all the answers as an adult. it’s even more frustrating as a parent to not have the answers your kid seeks. i never lie to my kids about important stuff (”high school musical is NOT ON tonight! now go to bed!” or “mom doesn’t have any cash today.” or “we are out of popsicles.” don’t count as real lies. just so you know.) but it’s important to keep it age-appropriate.

i think i failed, but i tried. i really did.

my son has a passion for soccer. and i have a passion for being a soccer mom.

however, he hates playing goalie. and even more than hating the goalie position, he HATES being scored upon. he takes it personally - like the ball didn’t go through 7 other players to get through his hands.

recently, he was keeper, and he “saved” a ball from crossing the line. in his eyes. the ref saw it differently and called it a goal. boy, was he pissed. he yelled at her and then he threw the ball in her general direction. from the sideline, i say out loud, “uh-oh. she is going to give him a yellow card…and if she doesn’t, she should…”

sure enough, she reaches into her pocket and flashes him the yellow card. his coach takes him out of the game and he has to walk off the field. then he spends the rest of the game on the bench.

while this wasn’t really a HA! moment at the time, it kind of is now. i wasn’t really proud of his actions and i thought his unsportsmanlike conduct was embarrassing. but it was the first yellow card he’s ever gotten - and if he keeps playing soccer with the passion he has today, i’m sure he’ll earn a few more…