Dec 13 2009
you don’t deserve my friendship
m,
i am unable to continue our friendship and would like to explain myself to you. i need you to know the reasons behind my decision. not that i really think you care either way.
first, it doesn’t really bother me that you chose to remain friends with (insert name here). we are all adults and free to make our own decisions about who we chose to associate with and who we don’t. i am only slightly bothered by your decision because i don’t understand how anyone is able to get past the fact that he (insert action). but i may be biased because said action was directed at me.
second, i understand what i assume is your desire to remain neutral. but this situation is not your run-of-the-mill break up.
those things being said, here’s the crux of why i cannot be your friend. i do not trust you. i used to. but i lost that trust in a flash when you forwarded me a text from (insert name here). here’s where i ask you to remember when i specifically told you that i was not in an emotionally secure place that would allow me to see past any information about (insert name here). nor do i have the ability to brush off the things that he says and move forward with my day as if nothing is wrong. i told you that (insert name here) could never know anything about me, where i was, what i was doing, etc. additionally, i told you that i could not hear any news about him. (remember, my emotional state?)
then, you blew me off. we talked about beers and i suggested coffee. and then i heard nothing, NADA, from you. until that forwarded text. it’s easy enough to ascertain that you and he were talking. how else do you explain the “if you DO see a…” in his message? AFTER you blew me off. you see, m, i don’t take well to being blown off. especially by someone who is purported to be my friend. and that you blew me off after swearing to remain neutral and agreeing to my terms. that’s really not friend behavior in my book.
but i get that you thought you were helping. after all, his text WAS nice. he was SOOO apologetic and professing his love. you have absolutely NO idea what sort of affect those things have on me. i get shaky and upset and so irate that i feel like a cartoon character that has steam coming out of her ears.
and so i am writing you off. i can’t have people in my life who are willing to disregard my wishes in this matter. i have been scarred for life and will forever over scrutinize any and every man that wants to be a part of my life. i cry over menial bullshit. i have nightmares about my situation. I GET ANXIOUS WITH THE MERE THOUGHT OF SEEING (insert name here). and i have to deal with all of this for a looooong time. having someone in my life whom i can’t trust to talk to or vent to is not conducive to my healing.
more than i need almost anything right now, i need to surround myself with people who won’t tell me how sorry (insert name here) is or how much he is hurting (i don’t believe him anyway, nor should you). and maybe that’s completely bitchy on my part but fuck it. i don’t care. more importantly, i CAN’T care. you see, i HAVE to be selfish. if i start to think about him and what he may or may not be feeling, it throws off all of the progress i’ve made over the past few months.
i face these feelings on a daily basis. i face the self-doubt, the irritation, the anger. and it drives me absolutely bat-shit crazy that his life continues as if nothing, except a ‘moderate’ break up, ever happened. fuck that and fuck him. and really, fuck YOU for taking his side over mine.
i expected better out of you. i expected you to not rush right to him to tell him everything we’d said. i expected you to respect my wishes, regardless of the reasoning behind them and even more so in THIS circumstance.
take on brief second, m, and contemplate how you’d feel if L had (insert action). really think about this. i’ll wait…
…
…
…
…
…
…
it fucking sucks! and that’s the understatement of the decade!
sure, our [mine and (insert name here)] relationship should have ended long before it did but that certainly didn’t give him the right to (insert action). nor do i give a fuck that he was ‘too drunk’ to remember, or take the blame for, his actions. he made the choice to consume that much booze. even AFTER i asked him to stop drinking. what does that tell you about how much he ‘loved’ me?
what this all boils down to m, is that, while i will say ‘hello’ when i see you, i will not CANNOT be your friend. you and (insert name here) seem to be better matched anyway. neither of you have the ability to respect others or see past whatever is in the pint glass in front of you.
would that it were different. so good luck. i wish you wellness and happiness and health!
~a
