Nov 25 2009
open letter #2…
dear readers thank you for stopping by, i am now using this blog as a healing tool and an outlet for my thoughts.
dear (insert name here),
i don’t know why i opened this, and the last, letter with the word ‘dear’ because i no longer feel that you are dear to me. probably habit and congieniality.
i really want to be finished with the anger and anguish that finds me at the most inopportune and lonely times. but i also know that i need these two very intense feelings to fuel me during this time. because if i were to hold back these feelings, i would begin to lose myself again and some guilt would seep in and i would, on occasion, give in to your ‘i love you’ and ‘i miss you’ sentiments. and i can’t do that. i can’t give in. i know that you are looking for that little opening. that little glimmer of hope that says “even though she told me to fuck off, she still responded to me.” and i believe that you will only redouble your efforts and attempts to sidle your way back into my life.
i will have none of that (insert name here) because you don’t deserve to be a part of my life. you don’t deserve to know one iota about what has happened or will happen. you lost that privilege the SECOND you chose to act out in anger. in fact, (insert name here) you lost that privilege before that second but neither of us realized it and continued to act as if everything were normal.
you know what else i realized (insert name here)? of course not because you think of only yourself. so i’ll tell you. i was ALWAYS better than you. i was always smarter and better loved. and instead of you rising to the occasion, you tried to bring me down to your level. and you know what’s the most fucked up about that? i let you do it. i, for very short bursts of time, believed you when you told me that my friends and co-workers didn’t respect me because i am a pushover. i believed you when you told me that i would never find someone as perfectly matched and awesome as you. i believed you when you told me how stupid i was and how “white trash” my family was even though you’d never met them. I BELIEVED YOU FOR SHORT BURSTS OF TIME.
how is it possible that someone could have that sort of effect on me? i KNOW that none of those things are even remotely true. because you know what (insert name here), you can only be so stupid and still get an MS degree and a fairly lucrative job. you can only be so disrespected when people beg you to work on their projects or tell you that their family thinks your the coolest thing since lemonade. as for white trash… fuck you and your judgmental attitude. you will never know the errors in your thinking because, well, because you don’t care, for one. and for two, because you’re a controlling douchebag who doesn’t have the wherewithall to see the beauty and intelligence of a person when they’re standing in front of you throwing their heart at your hand.
i made a bad decision to continue associating with you. but my decision pales when compared to completely asinine ones you continue to make on a daily basis.
but you know what the silver lining in this cloud is (insert name here), that i ultimately got what i wanted. i walked away, mostly unscathed and mostly unharmed. but i WALKED AWAY. i am able to hold my head high, even around people who know all the gory details. i have retained my dignity and self-worth. and most importantly, i have retained my self.
i am back to being me. it didn’t take long for that to happen and i thank you for that. had our situation ended differently, i would have spent much longer mourning the loss. as it is now, i mourn nothing except my loss of innocence. yet somehow i have managed to retain my faith in the goodness of humanity. and that is something that i cherish deeply and i am joyed to realize that you were unable to take that from me.
there’s something else i retained (insert name here) and that is my ability to forgive. you keep asking for it. rest assured that someday i will be able to forgive you. but i will never forget the pain you’ve caused me. i will never forget the reactions boris and lola had and the way they looked at me and wouldn’t leave my side. i will never forget the looks of shock and sympathy on the faces of my friends and family. but most of all, i will never forget those 25 or 30 minutes of pure horror where every fiber of my being was calling out and begging, BEGGING, for it all to end.
and you (insert name here) have to deal with the knowledge that you did that to me. that i am sitting here crying because of you and your actions. but even with all of that, i don’t hate you. but i certainly don’t like you and while i’m certain to forgive you one day, i will NEVER be your friend.
~a
