See Hear Speak No Evil

Archive for November, 2007

Nov 29 2007

How to shut me up.

Published by Al under al, now blow me posting month

Can someone enlighten me as to what exactly would happen if just one person on a plane did not hav their seat in an upright position during take-off or landing?

Would the brakes kick in and the plane come to a dead stop? Would it be so heavy that take off would be impossible or instead not landing would the plane fall out of the sky?

If you refuse to put your seat back into the upright position (who are we kidding?? Regardless of whether it’s in an upright position or not, you’re not really very far from vertical!) will you be escorted off the plane by security. All the while being treated like a hostile passenger?

Will the Captain or First Officer have to stop flying/steering/drinking coffee to come and tell you, personally, to “put your fucking seat in the upright position?”

Could I claim duress because I found a fucking wet diaper (inconsiderate fuck who didn’t toss it) in the pocket in front of my seat? Maybe it’s giving me huge amount of fear and ammonia nose burns and I NEED to have and iota of relaxation by leaving my seat laying back.

CAN YOU RESPECT THAT? Can you cut me some slack here? Do you know what I’ve been through by flying on your airline today?

Sure, I chose it, and you’re welcome, but maybe my experience has been so atrocious that I’m going to tell everyone I know and we’ll all boycott your airline. AND what’s this I hear about stale air on planes causing, or at the very least, leading to, illness. Do you want that I should broadcast that all over to friends and friends of friends and friends of friends of friends (like an internet virus)? Shall I tell them that unbeknownst to them they’re increasing their risk of getting sick by flying? Maybe they should drive. You see where I’m headed with this, right…?

But, if you let me leave my seat down for the duration of the flight, I’ll say nothing. Do we have a deal? I’ll need 100,000 bonus mil.es and free drinks for a year. That should shut me up.

7 responses so far

Nov 24 2007

Why you should be thankful to NOT be my friend…

Published by Bridge under bridge, now blow me posting month

Every now and then I admit how lucky I am to have such great friends. They make me laugh. They make me smile. They help me when I ask for help. They give me a shoulder to cry on. They laugh at me when I am stupid. The last happens more often than I would like to admit.

Let’s get to the point… DIRT.

I am totally writing this post so that my friends will think twice about digging up all the dirt on me. Now that I actually typed that last sentence… I realize I am screwed. What is a girl to do?

I could beg for mercy.
I could bribe.
I could just ignore anything they say and plead the 5th.
I could bring out the dirt first.

I hope they realize I am totally joking.

Anyways, I wanted to make everyone laugh and tell you a few funny stories about Jess, Al and myself. Ones that we would all agree are funny and harmless. I SAID HARMLESS JESS AND AL!

Story 1: The commercial

One afternoon at my house we were eating chicken noodle soup, a commercial came on. It was for Long John Silver. Jess, in the best funny imitation ever, said… Long Dong Silver.

I laughed so hard that chicken noodle soup came out of my nose. Noodle and all.

Have you ever had a noodle come out of your nose? Yuck. I even had to pull it out. To this day I still remember this like it was yesterday. Thanks Jess.

Story 2: The DD

Ever had a call from your two best pals at 11:00 p.m. asking for a ride? You know… a ride? As in a I can’t drive for some reason and need someone ELSE to drive for me ride?

I had one of those once. In HIGH SCHOOL!

I will remain quiet on all the details.

Story 3: The Date Exchange

Have you ever been on a double date when you would much rather make out with your friends date than your own? Jess and I had this experience once.

I would like to mention that WE DID NOT ACT ON THIS. WE DID NOT MAKE OUT WITH OUR OWN DATES EITHER!

Boy we both wish we would have traded dates though.

Totally missed opportunity if you ask me. /sigh

Story 4: The VW Bus

Can I mention now to my kids that lying to your parents is NOT cool?

This story, with some details left out, is about me visiting my friends during the summer vacation while we were still in high school. Our friend Corey wanted to get out of CV, and asked if I wanted to go camping. I told my parents he happened to be going to the city that my friends had summer jobs. Since I hadn’t seen them for a month… I wanted to visit them and they had an extra bed at their place.

Why my parents said yes I still do not know. They said no to everything.

Anyways, Corey and I drove to said place and picked up Jess and Al. I should also point out at this point that Corey is gay and he is NOT “hetro-flexible.” I should also point out that Jess once went out on a date with him before we knew this. HAHAHA. Jess is going to kill me…

I should also point out that underage drinking is something you shouldn’t do if you currently are underage.

For anyone over 21… we were trashed. Really trashed. I still smile when I think about this.

END OF STORIES FOR NOW…

I honestly just wanted Jess and Al to remember these stories and smile. I have had so many fun memories with them that I could post new ones every single day.

Thank you Jess.
Thank you Al.

Thank you for putting up with me all these years. I couldn’t do an entire month of “Thankful” post without mentioning you both. Thank you.

3 responses so far

Nov 22 2007

Thanksgiving Day football

Published by Al under al, now blow me posting month

I’m thankful for Thanksgiving Day football and I’ll be even more thankful if Dallas can see it fitting to loose this year. It’s currently halftime at the Detroit-Green Bay game and I just had to complain about how the NFL hires people to dance during the “Halftime Show.”

I don’t care who is performing, who is doing the singing, etc. The dancing is still lame. Plus, it’s not like the bulk of the crowd is sitting on the edge of their chairs waiting for the dancers to come out and do their thing. “Ohhhh, honey, it’s halftime and I really need to pee and would love to pick up a brat and some beers for us but if I miss those dancers I’ll be devastated! I’d better wait until the 3rd quarter starts to go because I come for the halftime show anyway and could really care less that we’re watching a great football game.”

You get the picture.

Maybe I’m just mad that I never learned to dance (Grammy moment- cue the sappy sad music).

One response so far

Nov 19 2007

Attention all alcoholics!

Published by Bridge under bridge, my two cents

Yes it is official… You can buy beer in Cache Valley on Sundays. You do have to drive about 10 minutes to the town of Nibley, but it was worth the drive.

I went and tried it out for myself yesterday with some local blogger friends McKenzie and Craig. You can read what they said about it on their blog.

I am very happy. I have hated this stupid law ever since I turned 21. For anyone that doesn’t live in Utah you should know that Utah liquor laws are insane. This is drawing a lot of controversy here in my community. I guess some people are offended that you can buy such a sinful product such a beer on the Sabbath.

I say too bad. You haven’t hear me complaining about anyone buying green jello on Wednesdays have you? Did you realize that many people in my state mix green jello with carrots?

Offended yet?

See why they shouldn’t sell green jello on Wednesdays? LOL. Alright I am kidding. I am just trying to make my point. The no buying beer on Sunday is not a very rational law. It is actually very prejudiced to anyone that drinks beer. One group of people in our community is just trying to control what another group does. I say shame on them.

On the other hand, I do understand the law that restricts the sale of liquor/beer after 1 a.m. That was put in place for a very rational reason. Last thing we need is a group of drunks driving to the store at 2 a.m. to get more beer. I have no problem with that law staying in place.

I can only hope now that other cities in my community start selling beer on Sundays. What are your thoughts?

13 responses so far

Nov 19 2007

I’ve found religion

Published by Al under al, humor, now blow me posting month

Yes, I’ll give you time to catch your breath. (In my head, the Jeopardy! theme song is playing while I wait for you to regain your breath and/or consciousness. You may feel free to use this theme song as well but I will not be offended if you prefer to hold your breath to something more jazzy or Sinatra-y).

Are you ready? Well then, here goes. For many years prior to leaving the Mormon church (which was official in 1999) I was on the search for a religion that spoke to me. I knew it wasn’t going to be any of the ‘big’ religions with hundreds of millions of believers. That’s just not me. What I did know was that someday, somewhere, I would come across a religion that spoke to me (I also knew that this religion would not be one that actively searched me out and knocked on my door).

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am here to announce to you, this day, I have found my religion! It just stumbled drunkenly into my lap during a work conversation and I quickly utilized some bandwidth for non-work related internet Wiki-ing to find out about it.

Boy, did I hit the jackpot! I knew as soon as I came across this Wiki this religion. entry, I had found Him (praise His Noodley Appendage). How I was not aware of The Flying Spaghetti Monster before is a complete mystery to me and makes me saddened that I have just now found Pastafarianism. But I have found it and you may now consider me a true believer.

Please be sure to go to the FSM/Pastafarianism homepage and have yourselves a gander. The logic in The Prophet’s open letter to the Kansas State Education Board is staggering.

4 responses so far

Nov 18 2007

drive-by eating

Published by jess under jess, now blow me posting month

unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that we’ve got an adorable boxer dog, chewy. i gotta tell you, it’s been a great few weeks at our house.

you see, chewy’s going through her first heat. i had heard “rumors” that dogs do bleed while they are in heat, but i really had NO IDEA the magnitude of this. those rubber pants? useless!! have you ever tried to wrestle panties onto a 60 pound animal? even if you have, i don’t want to hear about it. really. do NOT comment.

i’m going to get off what was my intended topic here, but i’ve got to let you know that we will be getting chewy spayed as soon as this heat is over. we’ve vacillated on this more than once, but we’ve decided it’s best for everyone and the planet if she doesn’t have puppies. we wanted to have puppies because they are SO DAMN CUTE and we want another boxer. however, i don’t want puppies because they shit everywhere and because i’d feel awful if they didn’t go to good homes.

taking care of a boxer is no small undertaking. they strongly desire to be part of your family, which means they need to be in the house. they also have very short hair and don’t regulate their body temperature well, which means they need to be in the house. full grown boxers are expected to weigh between 50-75 pounds…and that’s a whole lotta doggie to have in the house. so, i’m doing my part and chewy will be spayed. she’ll never get to be a mommy.

but back to the point. chewy is fed first thing in the morning and then she usually gets about half of what we feed her in the morning again at night. if we feed her more than that, she just dumps it out ALL OVER THE FLOOR. now, you may remember from previous posts that we also have a couple of cats. the cats are fed freestyle, which means we just keep the bowls full and they eat whatever they want when they want to. sometimes we get lazy and forget to feed them, but miller reminds us. usually at 3:30 a.m. with loud meowing. or, he’ll come jump in bed with me and bite me. literally. he’ll attack a toe if he can find one. if miller could talk, i’m quite certain he’d have a british accent and a deep voice. i can hear him now upon seeing an empty food bowl: “stuuuupid humans. they can’t even remember to feed the most important soul in the home. now i have to go bite one of them just to get a sub-par meal of dry, hard cat chow. what a waste of time. i could be sleeping.”

for no reason that i can ascertain, chewy likes to eat the cat food. i think the single biggest reason she eats it is because she knows she’s not supposed to. i also highly suspect that she thinks it irritates the cats.

her method is laughable: she stealthily approaches the cat dishes and does a drive by without eating. she just cases the joint.

i know what she’s thinking, “yep. there’s the food. looks just like it did yesterday. is jess looking at me? nope…she’s reading. paul’s watching football, so i know he won’t see me…”

then she makes a second pass and as she’s moving (she literally does NOT stop), she swipes the cat kibble. unfortunately for chewy, this totally blows her cover as she always drops about half of what she has pilfered, announcing her cat food theft in the sound of spillage on the laminate flooring. she even gets this look on her face that says, “oh shitballs! my cover’s been blown! busted! abort, abort!!”

sometimes i won’t see her or hear her…but the evidence of theft is there, in the bottom of the water dish. she is very good at cleaning up what she’s spilled, but not before she’s caught red-handed. even after i chastise her (which i can do with just the tone of my voice), she’ll sneak back for seconds.

having chewy around means never having to sweep the floor. she really is better than a vacuum. this isn’t always a good thing, but it’s been an excellent lesson in gravity. what goes down sometimes WILL come back up. er…uh…or something like that.

6 responses so far

Nov 10 2007

crafty people

Published by jess under jess, now blow me posting month

don’t get me wrong…i LOVE being crafty. and by that, i don’t mean like as in…sly like a fox. i mean like doing cutesy little projects to decorate my home or to scrapbook or to embellish my gifts with a personal touch. i like these little projects, but i never seem to get around to them.

i’d really like to say it’s because i don’t have time. the truth of it is…i DO have the time, but i spend it watching too much television or by managing my fantasy football teams. or by reading a book in the tub with a cold beer.

it’s alllll about the priorities, right? we always have time to do the things that are most important to us.

my sister loves to stamp, scrapbook and craft. she’s CRAFTY! (not like the beastie boys song, but in the way i’ve described at least two times now.)

she’s got a blog and she’s selling THESE fabulous cards. you can get five cards w/ envelopes for $7.50 plus shipping. check out her blog and/or email her to order: (stampingqueen5000 AT yahoo DOT com). or, she just set up an etsy shop! click here to check out all of her cards! and please, consider buying her stuff. it’s way cute and it’s handmade.