See Hear Speak No Evil

Let’s get this straight. I know I am NOT a terrible mom. Maybe not a great mom, but not a terrible one. Some days are better than others. If you have kids you understand. If you don’t have kids, but have mistakenly visited a “family” restaurant… you also understand.

Today my daughter tried to manipulate me.

Remember that she is five years old. FIVE!

Here is the scenario…

Today my daughter, my mother and I had lunch at Arby’s in Logan. In case their headquarters happens to Google this… we had great customer service. Give all the employees raises! Anyways, Arby’s was terribly busy today. We finished eating and my daughter wanted some ice cream. Anyone who knows my mom knows how much of a sucker she is for giving my kids anything they want. They are her only grand kids after all. What this meant is that I got to stand in line for 15 minutes waiting to order an ice cream. Once again the employees were working their butts off Arby’s headquarters. Trust me. So… my daughter got her ice cream.

Fast forward five minutes later in the car…

This is when I am driving to Maceys in Providence.

Daughter: mom, um, since we are going to Maceys can I have a doughnut?
Me: Uh, NO.
Daughter: Why not momma?
Me: Because you are currently eating a milkshake and do not need anymore sugar today.
Daughter: Why not? You have loaded me up with sugar before. (Yes, she said this)
Me: Well, um, I really do NOT like to load you up on sugar.
Daughter: PLEASE??? (in that annoying voice)
Me: No… I am a mean mom.
Daughter: No your not. (in the sing song voice)
Me: Um, yes I am! (in the same sing song voice)

Fast forward 20 minutes later…

I get out of the car and start to go into the house. My arms are full with groceries. This is when my daughter starts complaining that she has to carry in a milkshake and gum. Yeah, a milkshake and a gum. Let me remind you that my arms are FULL. So I leave her in the car.

My daughter is perfectly capable of carrying in said items, and she gets in and out of the car by herself all the time.

Ten minutes later she comes into the house crying that I left her and that I am a “mean” mom because I wouldn’t help her carry ALL of her stuff in.

I swear I give up.

Life…

For all of you that KNOW, things are officially on the upside in my life right now.

Or something like it…

My son gets out of school on Friday. I am not looking forward to this at all. Not at all. To tell you the truth, most parents have the same feelings that I do. We love our kids. We really do. It is just that three months is a LONG time.

The thing that is the hardest for me in the summer is my kids complaining about being bored. I really try hard to have activities for them to do almost every day, but it is hard. I set up play dates, we go on walks or hikes, we camp and barbecue, we visit friends, we go to grandmas, we go on vacations, and we watch movies and t.v. It really doesn’t matter because my kids get bored. I just get annoyed.

So just plan on me going nuts here in the next few months.

i am currently listening to and completely digging amy winehouse.

crazy eyeliner and messed up grille to boot. her songs are fab!! dayam…

i dedicate the following story to fellow arachnophobe and blogger extraordinaire: holli.

i have always hated had an intense dislike for spiders. all kinds. small ones. big ones. fast ones, big ones, jumping ones, hairy ones, dead ones. yes, i don’t even like the dead ones! they could come back to life while i am sleeping and crawl on me.

yes, i believe that could really happen. yes, i know it’s irrational.

right now, i am praying i can make it through this post. i have the creeps so bad i can barely stand to type.

anyway, back to me. my father thinks it’s hilarious that i don’t like spiders. he doesn’t care about popularity, and in turn, i think he’s a secret spider advocate of sorts. spiders united, decided my dad would stand up for spider’s rights and i think the spiders actually PAY him to support their cause. when we were growing up (i have one sister), we’d ask him to kill the spiders in the house. he would always say, “no!!! we can’t kill clyde!”

my father named spiders. they were almost always Clyde. to this day, i cannot hear the name clyde without thinking of some creepy ass spider.

he’d either CATCH clyde and take him outside or he’d completely let him get away. now. the escaped spider was now FREE to roam the house. ANYWHERE! completely unacceptable if you ask me. can you think of anything worse than trying to kill a spider and having it get away in your house?? now it can go anywhere it wants. not good, not good at all.

so. there it is. i’ve never liked spiders. the first “episode” i clearly remember happened when i was probably 14 or 15. my bedroom was in the basement and our house was in podunk, utah, so there were a few creepy crawlies here and there. ok, there was usually one of those haul-ass wolf spiders in my shower EVERY SINGLE DAY. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

i had gotten ready for bed and went to turn off the light switch. it was 4 steps from the bed to the light switch, so i usually just flipped the switch, and then took two gazelle steps right under the covers. as i flipped the switch, i was already turning toward my bed. out of the corner of my eye, i saw something move. it kind of appeared to glow in the dark…so it was whitish. i immediately flipped the light back on…and to my complete HORROR, there was a giant spider carrying an EGG SAC on its back!!! wtf?!?!? i screamed so loud. and i didn’t stop until my dad appeared in my room. he of course thought i was a complete donkey. i told him he had to kill that spider and all of its babies b/c if he didn’t i would have to move out. i told him i couldn’t live in that room knowing it was in there…somewhere…with a bomb waiting to explode full of tiny little spiders. effffffffff that.

much to my surprise, he agrees. now, for some freak ass reason, the spider has frozen at this point. i guess she thought if she didn’t move, we couldn’t see her. whatever!!! i was ready to commit first degree spider murder, but i didn’t want to get that close. so my dad goes to get a weapon…and he returns with a GD mason jar and a piece of cardboard. he then proceeds to catch the spider and release her outside.

i have never forgiven him. ever.

episode 2: my then-husband and i were living in a house built in 1628. ok, not really, but it was damn old. i saw spiders there that for some reason were turned away during auditions for arachnophobia. they were definitely large enough now. at this point, we are both working nights, so we are sleeping during the day.

have you ever felt something crawling on you while you sleep? sure, we all have, right?

well this time was different. i kept feeling it. so i sat up, and peeled back the covers and there it was..ON THE BED, a giant black spider. a slow moving one, but HUGE, ok??? this spider had clearly crossed the line. CLEARLY. i couldn’t even kill it. i made my (now ex) husband take care of it.

i didn’t sleep for about 3 days. i waged a full-scale war on spiders and i have fought diligently in the trenches ever since then. i still hate to kill spiders, b/c i don’t want to get that close. i usually choose to eliminate them with a stream of poison, shot from as far away as possible. other horrible spider things have happened to me, including opening the paper and BOOM..a giant spider leapt out and the time i went to kill a rather large, slow-moving spider in the garage, only to miss and have it explode into one big mama spider and about 43,298 baby spiders. i poured gas on the entire garage and lit a match.

just kidding. but i seriously considered it.

the year i moved into our current house, which was built in 1629, i obsessively sprayed every nook and cranny with ortho home defense. i set spider traps. and i caught some HUGE ones. i removed my bed skirt. i prayed. i sacrificed small animals. i fasted.

since we’ve added a dog and another cat to our fold, i haven’t seen a spider in ages. not sure if my pets are eating them (don’t even wanna think about it, really) but i don’t care. spiders can live anywhere but in the vicinity of ME. period. it’s not negotiable. paul has killed a few here and there, but he usually has the sense to not mention it to me. he knows i really don’t want to know.

if so, i’ve got just the one for you!!

thanks to my pals over at for the people, i’ve got a hot job lead for any gals in or around the cache valley area.

i should give a tiny bit of background for those of you who, bless your souls, have never been to cache valley.

we have one sex shop here in town. i am sure if i am wrong, corrections will be issued. this little sex shop is reknowned and very popular. the front of the store has clothing, incense, bongs, jewelry, bumper stickers, etc. the middle of the store has lotions, gels, potions, and then there’s the lingerie. camo boy shorts with a matching bustier. a pink sheer babydoll with thong panties. a red feather boa.

then…the revered “back” of the store. toys, dildos, and more!! stuff you never imagined or dreamed of, let alone considered.

it’s a bit out of place here in logan. it’s across the street from the lds tabernacle and next door to one of the higher-priced restaurants in town. there IS a tattoo/piercing parlor upstairs. in spite of having a local farmer’s market, a coffee roasting company, an artisan bread bakery and an entire university community, the persian peacock is a store all it’s own!

well, this little ole sex shop is hiring. i am going to answer their questions as if i were actually interviewing for the job. it’s posted on craig’s list, too…

here’s the requirements:
1) Female, 21 yrs. or older CHECK.

2) Must be sexually experienced- I realize this may sound like an odd requirement but we sell sex, no? uh, CHECK.

3) Must be comfortable talking about sex, with a straight face, to people as old as your mother. LMAO. Ok, CHECK.

4) Retail experience a plus. Management experience gets double bonus points. I, uh, have a college degree!

5) Available Monday-Friday 3-9 pm, Sat 10-9. These hours are not set in stone, but scheduling will likely fall within this time frame. Whatever!!

and now…onto the questions..

1) Do you shop at Wal-Mart? Yes/No Why? yes, i do. it’s less expensive than other stores and i have a fixed income/budget. i also support local business whenever i can, like when i want a good cup of coffee or a giant purple dildo that vibrates.

2) When was the last time you were in our store? What did you buy? i was in there last september. i bought my boyfriend some gifts. i’d love to discuss them with you in person. one item was from the lotion/gel/potion category, the other was from the back o the store!

3) Have you ever been/lived outside of Cache Valley? Where? i have always lived here, but i’ve traveled extensively. i am not a mormon, if that’s what you are getting at.

4) List three other locally-owned businesses you frequent. Cafe Ibis. The White Owl. Cafe Sabor. Center Street Grille.

5) Favorite Movie of all time? Song? Book? It’s hard to just pick one, but here goes: Gladiator (with Russell Crowe) Head Like A Hole by NIN, Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier.

6) How do you feel about Bush? (the one in the white house not your pants) eh. you should be more worried about how i feel about the mayor of Logan, Randy Watts.

7) What is your relationship to coffee? How do you take it? i have a love/hate relationship with coffee. i love it, but it often upsets my stomach. i drink it with 2-4 creamers, no sugar. i love a great cup of coffee in the morning.

Method of birth control? Thoughts on condoms? i have no uterus. enough said, i reckon? before that, i had a mirena IUD that i absolutely loved and would recommend to ANYONE. condoms suck, but they are necessary for people who choose not to be monogamous.

In one to two paragraphs, tell us why you’re awesome and why we should hire you.
you all know why i am awesome. i’ll skip this part…

in a completely UNrelated story, paul and i celebrated our two-year anniversary this weekend…without even noticing it. may 26 was the big day!! two years is a long time…

stay tuned for these upcoming posts from me: “what if…” and “arachnophobia.”

xoxo

and i hope i don’t forget a whole bunch of shit for tomorrow.

i’ve got a client coming into town. i’m smashing dinner with him and his wife between the end of work and my softball game. so…i need to take all my softball shit to work. cleats, shirt, socks, mitt. check.

i hope i don’t leave my laptop at home ever again. i did that like two weeks ago. great smoke drive, crappy for the gas budget. next time i do that, i am staying at home. no exceptions!!

i haven’t even washed my face yet and it’s 11:15 p.m. helllllls bells. NOT happy about that. the dog also needs to go pee.

why the hell am i sitting here typing? that’s a damn good question. i implore you to give me some possible answers.

i’ve got to be all dressed up tomorrow. yay. double yay!

i got summoned for jury duty again. this is the second time in about a month. last time, i didn’t have to go. this time, i’ll reckon i’ll get out of it again. my profession alone ought to be enough to exclude me. keep your fingers crossed. i’ll tell you all about my job later. trust me…it’s not that cool. it’s not exotic, it’s not ritzy and quite frankly, i am sorry i even brought it up.

well, my battery on my laptop is about to die. i guess this is it for me tonight.

but…i am not even close to being finished!!!

yeah, so i just read the jess post asking me to fill in when both those ladies were in a rut.

oops!

let the record show that i, too, have been a huge slacker with the blogging. but, let the record show that i currently finished day 8 (w/ 10-11 hr days) of straight work. the up side? only 2 days left in this shift.

then what? you ask…

i get a 4 day weekend

and then back to work for another 10 day shift (same hours).

normally this whole thing wouldn’t be all that horrible but i’m not even at home. even that wouldn’t be bad if i was somewhere hip or cool or had something to do.

it doesn’t. i’m in grants, new mexico.

a quick example of how bad this place is (fyi- this is probably the only time i’ll ever lament being in a town with no starbucks- and YES you read that right). first– there’s only one coffee shop and it’s only open from thursday through sunday (for those of you who know me, you’ll realize how painful this is for me… seriously, i’m DYING). second–we have eaten dinner at a different place every night (remember I’m on day and we’ve exhausted all of our possibilites (minus the fast food joints). third– there are only 2 stop lights. fourth– the best restaurant in town is located in our Best Western hotel.

on the upside– my hotel room has cable! you know what that means? i’ve been watching NBA playoffs like a fiend. presently i’m watching our beloved Utah Jazz lose to the SA Spurs (damn and blast!).

there will be other stories to come about the joys of my work days and other idiotic things later but for now… it’s bed time. the alarm is set for 0545. and you know the worst thing about that? i’ve been waking up PRIOR to the alarm going off. what a bunch o’ shit!