See Hear Speak No Evil

this stuff really works.

for 18 bucks a bottle, i guess it had better. snot quotas for march have been met. on february 28.

yes, i have been told i am an overachiever. i even prove it in sickness.

i hope your life is great. not only are my sinuses and throat deeply unhappy, i am suffering from a case of the fuckits. the outlook is grim, but i expect a full recovery on the weekend after i have a beer or two.

next week: a road trip to ass, montana. i am sure i will have delicious details to share with you. it’ll be me, a pack of camels and justin timberlake for a 5 hour drive. i’ll be bringin’ sexyback!

xoxo (really i’m sick of it all)

edit **i am tempted to delete this entire post, but have not in the interest of full disclosure. i sure as hell don’t want you thinking my entire life is roses and sunshine. nope…i am just like you.**

soooo… i made it through the weekend. my daughter turned 6! yay! we had like, 18 5-and 6-year-old girls in my 900 sq. foot house. it freakin’ rocked!

party supplies (plates, treat sacks, crafty project,) = $23
barbie 12 dancing princesses birthday cake = $20
my daughter feeling like a princess alllll weekend = priceless!
everyone finally leaving after 1.5 hours = EXTRA priceless bonus!

good friends to help me clean up = i am truly blessed. thanks to you both. you know who you are. and thank you thank you thank you to my wonderful man. he put up with all of this in spite of having a horrible cold. (i may or may not have slipped him a mickey. i’ll never tell!)

i got her a new bike. she was stoked. my son almost ruined the surprise by loudly exclaiming, “OHHHHHHHHHHH!” as i walked in. her dad sent her some toys that require no less than ten double AA batteries. doesn’t he KNOW that batteries aren’t included!! /shakes fist!! oh well, he DID send great gifts…and i DO appreciate that.

**all of the links below will open in a new window when you click them**

tonight i have been watching the oscars. i thought about making this a separate post, but it’s easier to put it all in one. what this really means is i am lazy. get over it. first of all, why did no one mention to me that these are not the oscars any more, but the algores? this puffy guy just won’t go away. i am soooo over him and his ridiculously-named wife. we all have our own beliefs about global warming… but that doesn’t make want to like this guy. i just cannot do it. just for the record, i abhor most, if not all, politicians. except the dead ones. may they R.I.P.

ellen de generes: simply fabulous. this should be a permanent gig for her as she is a natural

cameron diaz: loooks soo damn old

gwyneth paltrow: i hate this stuffy bitch. she was all trying to talk with a british accent and she hates america. plus her dress sucked. not the cut, but the color was yuk

tom cruise: also looked old. where the hell was his snaggle-toothed wife??

j.lo and her husband: ok…this guy always just looks weird. he is well-dressed, but does anyone else think he looks like skeletor?

jack nicholson: ok, so we KNOW this guy is a bad ass. why did he have to go and shave his head? doesn’t he know that, thanks to britney, this look is NOT so in??

the first three point five hours: laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame. NO disrespect to the awards given out for best documentary, best costumes, best makeup or best cinematography and all of the REST of the crap they hand out, BUT NO ONE CARES. we want to see what everyone is wearing and want to know who wins best actor/actress, best movie and best director. period. get on with it. the best parts of these hours included the creative dancers as they portrayed several of the movies which were nominated and the bits with ellen.

reese witherspoon: meow. great dress! love it!!

penelope cruz: sorry if you are a fan. i am sooo NOT. first she dumped top gun, then she dumped one of the hottest men ever: matthew mcconaughey. hello? is this bitch loco??

celine dion: seriously needs a sandwich. anything. she. needs. some. food. and let’s get real. i am probably just jealous.

and because the saint is one of my most favorite movies: elisabeth shue. i know it’s off-topic, but i loved the saint. loved it!!

i heart will smith and jada pinkett smith. what a cute family!

martin scorsese calls the departed “his only movie with a plot.” LMAO

ok, ok, ok! no more star trash for a long, long time! mwah, love y’all…thanks for reading.

xoxo
~jess….out…

AFter reading the last few posts by my good, good buddies, I (like the PC) am reaching a sad realization that I’m not nearly as cool as those two bitches!
Either that, or my life is 500 times more boring. I’m not quite sure yet but my guess is it’s a combination of the two. But mostly the first. Granted, I have my funny moments but they are few and far between compared to Jess and Bridge. And, my moments usually include some sort of self-inflicted pain (e.g., answering my phone while drunken bicycle riding). I guess I’ll get over it. I really don’t have a choice, now do I.
Looking back, one of my best moments was coming up with my new rating scale for men. T and I still use it and I am trying to convince others to do the same but most people just look at me like I’m a complete and utter idiot. I have no choice but to concede their point.
If I could have one wish for my upcoming birthday, it would be to be funnier than both Jess and Bridge combined. I may be asking for too much from the birthday fairy here but that hobag owes me for all the years of birthday wishes and birthday dreams that have gone unanswered and unfulfilled. So this seems to be my year. J and B, watch out!

Have you ever seen something that you just wanted to buy? You realize you have no place to actually put it. It’s not something you would even really want to use in the function that it was made for.

Yeah, I found my something.

R2D2 baby!

R2D2… as a trash can? I really LOVE Star Wars, and this is just funny. You too can purchase this amazing garbage can. The website states, “Step on R2’s center “foot” and his dome swings wide to collect your expired TPS reports and leftover wookie dung.”

Alright, if you not laughing out loud now… you are a zombie, or at least a non Office Space or Star Wars fan. I found this amazing product on one of my favorite websites.

http://www.thinkgeek.com/

I love this site. If I could own every shirt from them I would be in geek heaven. I especially LOVE this hoodie. I think I am going to ask for it for my bday that is coming up soon.

This is a great little quote that the website says about the hoodie… “For the non-Latin-inclined, the motto translates to “Stop Talking Now.”

I really need this shirt. If you do NOT know what it means… even better. /wink

I really need all their shirts. I do have a few items from them. A WTF t-shirt, and some panties. Yeah, some PANTIES. I AM A GEEK AFTER ALL!

Go check them out if you haven’t already been to their site.

You HAVE to go see the movie

MUSIC and LYRICS

If you lived in the 80’s you MUST see at least the beginning of this movie. I laughed so hard I cried. Hugh Grant singing a pop song from the 80’s was great. Seeing him in “their” music video was perfect. You remember the MTV videos from the 80’s?

Yeah…

I do not need to say more. Watch for yourself.

Pop goes my heart too Hugh!

yeah. can you even believe it’s possible?

well it IS, i assure you.

so…rewind to this morning. well… let’s go all the way back to last night for full effect. the kids go to bed. we carefully tuck the tooth under my daughter’s pillow.i nicely remind them to fall asleep soon…it’s getting late, etc. blah blah blah - several times. finally i resort to yelling and death threats. kidding!!

this is the second tooth she has lost and this is definitely a big deal for her. so, i think to myself, “jess…do NOT forget about the tooth fairy.”

so i am talking to al (who i should add i totally blame for this) and kinda watching lost at the same time. somewhere here i popped a tylenol pm (thanks bridge for getting me addicted to nighttime sleep aids). so…then criminal minds comes on…and i wrap up my conversation with al and sack out for the night.

fast forward about 8 hours. i am in the bathroom brushing my teeth and my baby comes in. holding her tooth.

“mommy? the tooth fairy forgot to come!!!”

yeah. i suck ten miles of @$$.

in my defense i think i had a rather good comeback. i told her she had stayed up too late and the toothfairy had stopped by when she was awake and didn’t have time to get back around to her before the sun came up.

in retrospect… i have probably ruined my child by lying to her.

needless to say, the tooth fairy visited tonight. and she paid interest for her late payment.

Yes, it was Valentines Day. A word I maintain is a swear word. I love a lot of family and friends, but having to go buy stuff on a certain day of the year is annoying. Expensive too. Jess and Al… consider this post a Valentine Card. /wink

Alone? Kinda. I did have my two kids with me almost all day. Then I had Loralee and Karen show up for a fun filled night of games. More on this at the end of the post.

Where was my husband?

Australia.

I did get to web cam with him today finally. The kids LOVED that. He is all nice and tan. Lucky guy. I am glad I made him go. He really needed to go. He doesn’t realize how important he is to me. It has been easier than I would have thought having him far away, but I really do miss him. I have been lucky that my kids have behaved. It really is a new development. My husband does a lot of stuff for me. Changes lightbulbs, takes out the trash, wakes up and tries to stay awake with me when I have a terrible nightmare. You get the picture. With all we have been through I really do still love him.

In case he ever reads this blog… I LOVE YOU.

K, now to the anoying part of my day.

1. I almost got hit by a HUGE truck today. A semi in fact. It ran a red light, and it ran it fast. Luckily I was somewhat awake and hit the brakes hard. I am also lucky I didn’t get rear ended. The car behind me was also awake.
2. I had TWO valentine parties to go to for my kids. Was late to the first one, and was late to the second one too. Once again, I was lucky I made it at all.
3. My son called me from school. He was sick. Poor guy. Poor me. Poor my daughter. I had to leave her during her Valentine party at preschool to go pick her brother up.
4. Both of my kids were invited to bday parties on Saturday. Both parties are at the same time. Which one do I take them to?

It really was just that type of day.

Now this evening I had a very good laugh. Did you know that “but I am still a virgin” could be used as an excuse for almost anything? I didn’t. I am going to start using it. I might have to use, “but I still wish I was a virgin,” as my excuse. Who knows. I’ll see if it works. I played Rumikube tonight, then we read tarot cards. That was FUN. I really need to get more into that.

Well off to bed I go. I wish a Happy V Day to all of you out there. Thank you to all my friends, I love you all!