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Archive for November, 2006

Nov 30 2006

me i want a hula hoop

Published by jess under jess

i know you sang the song referenced in my title when you read it. in your BEST chipmunk voice!!

i remember singing this song with my sister when we were kids. what a riot. now… my kids love it. they think the chipmunk voices are hilarious.

i wish they could actually WATCH alvin and the chipmunks, instead of some of this shit they crank out on the cartoon network. i don’t care what you think… at least 80% of the programming on cartoon network is completely UNFIT for children under the age of 15.

but i digress. christmas, christmas time is here. (you are singing, aren’t you?!?!?)

my son is starting to question santa claus. uh-oh. he may be on to me. i hope we can hang on for one or two more years before he puts everything together and discovers i am, like, the biggest liar ever. santa claus… bull shit. tooth fairy… bull shit. easter bunny… total bull shit.

are we setting our kids up for disappointment? or do we play these fun little “games” to get even with our parents? what a perpetually vicious cycle. yet i continue to play along. i love sneaking around at christmas. i love the challenge of trying to slip a couple of quarters or a dollar bill under the pillow while my kiddo is sleeping. even more, i love the challenge of actually REMEMBERING to have to the tooth fairy visit. (yes, i have forgotten. it totally sucked, thanks for asking!)

we can hardly stand to wait. please, christmas… don’t be late!!!

6 responses so far

Nov 28 2006

snowboarding + me = wimp

Published by Bridge under bridge

i can hardly type.

honestly.

my arms and hands really hurt.

bad.

so bad in fact that i can hardly type.

just tell me to shut up. i really deserve it. i spent an entire weekend skiing, and my legs do not hurt at all. then i go down ONE.. yeah just ONE run on a snowboard and i want to cry like a baby.

i should mention that i slid down most of the hill on my ass.

you would think my ass would be smaller since i swear i froze half of it off.

sadly no. /sigh

oh, there are pictures. i just need to get a hold of them.

blackmail is what those pictures are called. i know for a fact they got a great shot of me falling down. not gracefully either.

the only thing that helped was that my husband and i consumed over 60 beers during this ski trip. explains why i suddenly didn’t find 20 degree weather cold anymore.

anyways, i had a blast. the second i get my wimpy fingers on those pictures i will let you all laugh at my expense.

not that your not doing that right now. and, um… was that a double negative?

3 responses so far

Nov 27 2006

Boneless Shanghai Wings

Published by jess under jess

Ok… i officially have a new addiction. Many of you are familiar with my lengthy list of addictions, including but NOT limited to the following:

  • Diet Mountain Dew
  • Diet Coke with Lime
  • Margarita Pizza from Firehouse Pizzeria
  • Camel Turkish Jade Lights ( i quit smoking 26 days ago, but who the EFF is counting??)
  • About Face face lotion (www.allaboutlotion.com)
  • Natural EsScents lip balm (refer to aforementioned website)
  • Victoria’s Secret Love Spell lotion
  • My cell phone
  • Bacon
  • Fantasy Football
  • Diet Mountain Dew (yes, it deserves TWO mentions!!)
  • Ice cream - any flavor
  • Pedicures
  • Coffee
  • The Internet
  • Miller Lite
  • Mojitos
  • Boneless Shanghai Wings from Chili’s

These little nuggets o’ chicken are truly fantastic. TRULY. I even found a copy cat recipe I cannot WAIT to try.

I am not the type of person who just likes things. I LOVE THEM. TO DEATH.

3 responses so far

Nov 21 2006

Hooray for Utah (despite the shitty liquor laws!)

Published by Al under al

ok so I’m back in utah for the wonderful, wonderful world of disney. oops, i mean for turkey day. and boy am i lucky that i get to spend one WHOLE week in logan and beyond.
and tonights plans, hang out with jess and bridge.
so now you’re wondering wtf it was we did in our short but precious time together.

wait for it….

wait for it…

we got a pedicure!!!

and by we I mean ALL of us! which if you didn’t notice, includes yours truly.

now for those of you who know me, don’t be shocked. this doesn’t mean i’ve turned all girly n’ shit but i thought for once in my f’ing life i could do something nice for myself with my two bestest buds. so i let those hoes talk me into gettin’ my feet all rubbed and scrubbed and my piggies painted.

since i’m sitting at bridge’s using her computer to write this sob and she wants me to mention that i originally picked out neon orange for my toe painting color.

she promptly informed me that ‘it doesn’t work with your color’ (like I know what that means) so i let her pick out the color. guess what she picked for Al?

you guessed it, pink. (those are bridge’s toes in purple)

then we came back to bridge’s and took some pictures (no boys, not THOSE types of photos). we took some fun and silly and semi-serious photos. some of which will be forthcoming on this, the 3 monkeys blog.

and since jess is gone, bridge and i are sitting around drinking miller lite and talking smack about how barbie-like she looked (if only she had bigger boobs. sorry j but the truth sometimes hurts).

we’re also talking shit about how bridge’s list of previous boyfriends is fan-tastic and al’s current list of boyfriends is…. non-existant. in fact, i don’t even have a roofie! wtf is up with that?
reminder a roofie is someone that would have to slip a roofie into my drink for me to go home with them (see Al’s blog “my new scale” or some shit like that, i wrote it too long ago to remember exactly what kind of witty name i gave it).

2 responses so far

Nov 19 2006

TO: ALL MY FRIENDS

Published by Bridge under bridge

Ok, I realize I need to post this. My gift giving post might of made some of my friends think that I get grouchy about giving them gifts.

Is it true?

NO!!!

The keyword in my previous post was HAVE. I get grouchy when I “have” to give gifts. I never feel that I have to give my friends gifts. I feel that I “get” to. Different story altogether.

Although… sometimes I do feel I “have” to give a certain friend a “certain” gift for obvious reasons… but that is a different story altogether. (This certain friend will know who she is when the time comes. /evil chuckle inserted here)

Now, if you called me on the phone. Then invited me to a gathering… and TOLD me I HAD to give a gift to someone I hardly knew… not only would I feel that I had to go to “said” gathering… but then I would feel obligated to give them “said” gift. THANKFULLY none of my friends do this. I have had a few family members do it before, and I went through with it. Now I put my foot down and say no.

I mean…

Who in their right mind calls you up and tells you that you need to attend something and you are in charge of bringing someone a gift? Shouldn’t they first find out if you can attend? If you even want to? If you can afford to?

Yes I am bitter.

Yes it almost happened again this year.

No it is NOT happening to me. Never again.

None of my close friends have ever done this to me. Nor would they think it was cool.

Loralee usually has one of the most /cough /cough fun (yeah, thats the right word) Christmas gatherings I have had the honor of attending. We usually do white elephants. I LOVE IT. Even if she called me and told me I HAD to get someone a gift… I would still go. HAHA. Her party is that good.

Anyways, I love you friends! I am getting you gifts. I have no clue what… but I am.

Examples of what I “could” get you… hehehehe

Jess: A Nascar hat. ( you know I wouldn’t buy one)
Al: Some rocks. (unlabled for lots of evening fun)
Loralee: A box of Gain. ( I like to feed addictions)
Karen: A cat lady hat. (because we know you have earned it)

Ok… so THOSE are NOT your gifts…

But I smiled typing them.

From: The HO who brings the HO HO HO in Christmas!

4 responses so far

Nov 17 2006

>>schadenfreude<<

Published by jess under jess

ah…schadenfreude. do you even know what that means?

in order to spare you a trip to dictionary.com, i will provide you with a definition and a pronunciation: (shad-en-froy-da) and it means “deriving pleasure from the misfortune of others.”

who is NOT guilty of this?

ever laughed at some poor dude who gets hit in the nuts with the 8 ball?

that is schadenfreude.

ever watched a soap opera? or desperate housewives? or any other drama on tv?

borderline schadenfreude.

ever get an uncontrollable case of the giggles when you see someone slip and fall on ice or trip over a crack in the sidewalk?

yep, schadenfreude.

what is unclear to me is where the line is between schadenfreude and just plain old Karma sweeping in and catching up with someone who deserves nothing but misfortune. can i enjoy Karma? Or is that schadenfreude?

your boss makes you look like an idiot in front of some co-workers. a few days later, he breaks both his legs in a freak accident. schadenfreude? or karmic JUSTICE??

your spouse spends an assload of money on an impulse purchase and then lies about it. a few days later, said purchase gets stolen. schadenfreude?

someone you know is a lying, conniving, evil ho-bag. (or dickweed. this is an EOE blog) she gets away with everything and seems to have it all. a few months down the road, she gets fired and a nasty case of herpes. plus her butt gets real big.

you be the judge. i think schadenfreude is one of the darker sides of human nature.

4 responses so far

Nov 15 2006

BRIDGES GIFT GIVING GUIDE 2006-2007-????

Published by Bridge under bridge

So this month I am going to devote some time to gift giving.

Why?

Because I am too lazy to actually go out and shop for Christmas, birthdays, weddings, babies, and other lame gift giving holidays and events. That’s why. So instead of actually going out and buying stuff and accomplishing something, I will blog about it.

Bah Humbug?

Yep… that is me this year. Scrooge.

It isn’t that I do not want to give gifts… I just hate feeling that I HAVE to give gifts. (insert Jess’ name here) HAHAHA. Ok, I am totally kidding Jess. (insert Al’s name next) HAHAHA. Ok, I am cracking myself up.

You do know the people I am talking about right? The people who gave you a gift and made you feel guilty because you didn’t have a gift for them. Or the person who gave you a super expensive gift last year… when you gave them a candle. ( I know I am damning my self to hell for even mentioning this, trust me.)

This is the funny part, I actually love giving gifts. I already know what I would buy my family and friends if I won the lottery. (Yes Al… a blow dryer.) Just certain years money seems tighter and then I get grouchy. This year is one.

Here are a few examples of my grouchiness for your reading pleasure.

Example #1… My Son

  • His toys get more complicated each year (which means expensive).
  • His toys get more expensive each year.
  • He gets better at finding “said” gifts. Wherever I hide them. Trunk of car, locked storage room, grandma’s house… and then I have to buy more gifts that come from “Santa”. Damn Santa. Buy your own damn gifts.
  • And the worst… Imagine this in a whiney voice, “So and So got better presents than me! WHAAAAAAHHHH!” Thus, I am a shitty mom.

Example #2… My Daughter

  • Wants everything.
  • Wants everything.
  • Oh, did I mention… She wants everything.

Example #3… My Husband

  • Has really good taste.
  • Likes nice stuff (aka expensive)
  • Already has everything he needs… so I have to give him something he WANTS.
  • (Note to Husband… I love you and want to tell you that buying gifts for you is fun.)I almost believe that… /wink

Example #4… My Dad

  • refer to example #3.

Example #5… My Mom

  • refer to example #3 or #4 with some variations.
  • What she wants happens to be the most expensive. IN THE ENTIRE STORE!

Example #6… My Friends

  • I’ve already run out of money.
  • I feel really bad.
  • They have run out money too. (/smile)
  • I feel better.

So anyways, to get to the freaking point!!! Quite a few of my upcoming post will be about different types of gift giving. For all types of events.

If you have any funny gift giving stories… please email me and I’ll share them.

bestmonkeyfriends@yaoo.com

Cheers!

Bridge

3 responses so far

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